January 19, 2014

7 People who should, but never ever will, work together

Here's another list of seven. I have more lists of seven forthcoming. This is because I've decided against publishing another Amazon e-book, A Series of Eleven Sevens. Know that this is a great sacrifice on my part, for Knighttime Loop sales indicate that e-book would have been a New York Times bestseller. You get the blog posts you deserve.

Unfortunately, these pairings assume a level of cultural knowledge that—I've been recently and repeatedly reminded—almost no one shares. This grieves me, as it's a barrier to much communication. So I've tried to supply links to help out, but I'm guessing that's not going to be enough to appreciate all of these. WHATEVER. Take away what you will and forget what sounds like hipster nonsense, while knowing that I have and hate my hipster tendencies. You're supposed to write what you know, so.

1. Charlie Day & Julian Barratt (Howard Moon)
I would die of giddiness. Everyone's favorite character from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was very obviously the best part of Horrible Bosses. He was also amazing in Pacific Rim, his first appearance not acting manic or mentally handicapped. For his collaboration with Julian, however, he would need to act so.

And Julian would need to reprise his character from The Mighty Boosh. Re-watching the third series, I'm struck how Vince became a total diva and overshadowed his jazz maverick, wood shop teacher counterpart. Come on, who wouldn't love to see Howard crimping with the creator of 'Dayman' instead of a Camden leisure pirate? Also, it's in the cards: Charlie Day and Howard Moon. Done.

"Just so we're clear, what's your spaghetti policy here?"
"I'm a man about town, Charlie. I haven't got time for spaghetti policies."

2. Nick Offerman & Zach Galifiankis
Admittedly, this was stolen from a YouTube comment, though I've no idea how to cite it because of the new Google+ tyranny. The perfect situation for these two would be a father-son movie. Even though in real life Zach is a year older than Offerman, the latter is clearly the father figure. No major studio would finance a movie starring a comedic duo so physically similar, what with their beards and robust constitutions. (Number one is a far more traditional duo physically.) But I just love the idea of Alan frustrating Ron Swanson's attempts to teach him how to be a man. Also, judging from real-life interviews with both men, anything they would do out of character would be even crazier good.

3. Nicki Minaj & Jill Tracy
The pairing of the technicolor queen of hip-hop with a spooky, probably occultist singer-songwriter would produce my ideal sound—what I hoped Janelle Monáe would sound like. 89% cacao rainbow sherbet? Yes please.

This chocolate isn't dark enough, but you get the picture.

4. Terrence Malick & Quentin Tarantino
He who most needs a writer meets the best writer. He who most needs an editor meets the best editor. These two auteurs are so antipodal in personality, working style, tone and subject matter I literally cannot imagine what film they would create together. Like, I've thought about it a lot and really can't. It would either be awesome or terrible, but I wish dearly it would be at all.

Here's the only thing I could find that mentions both. It doesn't mash them up, but it's funny and underviewed. PG-13 as well for all those reading with your kids. For my purposes, you can stop watching at 5:35.

5. Ted Kooser & Andrew Stanton
This one's more modest. For a long time I held Ted Kooser as my favorite poet, and Delights & Shadows is still my favorite collection. Stanton wrote and directed Finding Nemo, WALL-E, and Toy Story 3. Kooser's observations of "the life at play in things," usually the daily and ordinary, imagined visually by Pixar would just deplete all the dopamine in my brain.

6. Slavoj Žižek & Maya Angelou
Slavoj is the only popular philosopher I know of, but he presents his thoughts like a crack head who just got braces put on. If his applications of Kant and Marx to Edward Snowden were filtered through Angelou's velvet-cake ethos, I think the world would be a more thoughtful place. And I say that as someone who takes issues with most of their views.

7. Richard Nixon & Peter Kropotkin
Both of these great men are dead, so I will never know what this looks like. (Kissinger is alive, but there are no comparably eminent anarchists around to pair him with.) Even though I'm a huge fan of the label 'Independent' and its infinite meanings, it's now very tempting to switch this out for 'Anarcho-Realpolitik' on my Facebook profile. Regardless, Nixon/Kropotkin 2016: we can have "[world] peace with stability" and the "silent majority" can rule themselves. Their monetary policy would be a perfect paradox and should be implemented immediately.

BONUS: Dizzy (Benjamin Disraeli) and Izzy (Hawaiian musician)
They rhyme.