March 13, 2013

13 PG-13 Movie Review Haiku

Here are 13 haiku reviews of PG-13 movies I saw when I was 13. I am releasing them on 13 March 2013 for the belated birthday of my buddy, Brian Bohr. I won’t use hashtags on these haiku. This is not Twitter.

1. The Italian Job
Charlize looks so hot!
rest brought to you by Mini
F. Gary Gray’s best

2. Paycheck
Affleck, Uma— wow
Dexter plays small role as Fed
he won Best Actor

Sam Jackson leads team
Dr Pepper! rich dumb crook
women can be cops?

4. Hulk
Science, science, sci—
army? green man always wins
Ang Lee, not angry

5. The Day After Tomorrow
Warming means ice age
“my dad, climatologist”
no Minaj mammoth

6. Matchstick Men
Nick Cage plays himself
Los Angeles... Miami?
surprisingly good

7. Starsky and Hutch
This taught me something
vintage jokes, gimmicks, car chase
Dad loved this movie

8. Hellboy
Movie, stop: you’re drunk
Lovecraft, cartoon, love story
Rasputin makes sense

9. Flight of the Phoenix
Plane crash, no matter
“water, food, let’s build new plane”
why is this movie

10. The Core
Earth’s core stops spinning
dig deep, nuke it (perfect tropes)
Two-Face is hero

11. X2
Slash, boom, EXPENSIVE
mutants can do anything
mutant kids useless

12. LXG
Queen: “Crack team, stop war.”
ruin ALL the good fiction!
Sean Connery wins

13. Daredevil
I saved best for last
blind hero, all others dumb
illuminate all

Yes, I did watch all these movies. Yes, near the end I was usually alone. Yes, I often had to pay to rent them on Amazon. Yes, I expect to be reimbursed. Buy my book. Or, watch a one-minute video on why you should buy my book, and then buy my book.